One of my favorite things is to do is watch comedians on TV, or even in person. They pour their heart and soul into their bit, hoping that it’s not a flop. Sometimes it is, but sometimes it brings them a ton of success, eventually leading them to TV or movie deals or even their very own album. Are there ever lines that your favorite comedians say that really stick out in your mind? You know, the ones you find yourself quoting all the time. Well we compiled a list of 19 comedians and some of their most well known and hilarious quotes.
1. “What is wrong with me? I just bought a bag of weed from an infant.” – Dave Chappelle
2. “If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Flip Wilson
3. “If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days. ” – Robin Williams
4. “I’m not addicted to cocaine. I just like the way it smells.” – Richard Pryor
5. “To my grandparents – life was food. I go, ‘Grandma, I don’t feel well. I’m suicidal.’ She says, ‘You’re hungry. You’re just hungry.'” – Richard Lewis
6. “There’s something about the ice cream truck that makes kids lose it. And they can hear that sh!t from ten blocks away. They don’t hear their mothers calling, but they hear that motherf***ing ice cream truck.” – Eddie Murphy
7. “I bought a donut and they gave me a receipt for the donut. I don’t need a receipt for the donut. I give you money and you give me a donut, end of transaction. We don’t need to bring ink and paper into this. I can’t imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a donut.” – Mitch Hedberg
8. “I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.” – Steve Martin
9. “I love to go to Washington – if only to be near my money. ” – Bob Hope
10. “I don’t stop eating when I’m full. The meal isn’t over when I’m full. It’s over when I hate myself. ” – Louis CK
11. “According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.” – Jerry Seinfeld
12. “Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?” – George Carlin
13. “If a woman tells you she’s twenty and looks sixteen, she’s twelve. If she tells you she’s twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she’s damn near forty.” – Chris Rock
14. “Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don’t know one child with a full time job and children.” – Bill Hicks
15. “My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.” – Dave Barry
16. “A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.” – Emo Phillips
17. “I was on the street. This guy waved to me, and he came up to me and said, ‘I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else.’ And I said, ‘I am.'” – Demetri Martin
18. “Remember when you’re young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he’s just a drunk who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
19. “Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it’s worse when they are wearing dark glasses and have streamers in their antlers because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot.” – Ellen Degeneres
Mitch Hedberg is one of my favorite comedians and if you haven’t heard anything by him, definitely check him out. Some of these comedians have passed away, leaving behind an amazing legacy. But others are still alive and well, and will continue to push the envelope every chance they get. They say laughter is the best form of medicine. Well I couldn’t agree more and I have these great comedians to thank for always putting me in a good mood.
Make Your Friends Laugh By Sharing These Comedic Quotes Below.